On Avoidance and Accomplishment

While exercising today I found myself become more and more irate.
Nothing particularly frustrating had happened during the day, nor was I experiencing any discomfort, so it wasn't anything external.
I began to observe myself, watching this irritation and my own reaction. The more irate I became the harder I pushed my body, trying to force my mind to quiet down, to let the physical exhaustion take over, to find that sweet place where all thoughts and emotion are drowned out in a haze of exertion.
I saw a pattern emerging. I was pushing too hard, like so many other areas in my life, trying to make up for this unfulfillable void with effort and strain, reaching outwards to mend emptiness with immaterial things: accomplishments, control, progress -- all positive things, but sorely misplaced. Instead of things to be cherished they were thrown haphazardly into this bottomless pit. I was doing everything I could to avoid the source of this emptiness.
And in this struggle I was losing myself. In the strain for more things to do, to try to validate myself, I was becoming less and less aware of why it was there to begin with. I didn't know what I wanted, only what I didn't want, which was clarity. With clarity comes realization, comes responsibility, because then I would know why and I would make a choice to deal with it or not and not dealing with it was irresponsible so it was easier to just avoid the whole thing altogether, to cover it up with falsities, lurid goals disguised as good intent.
But it wasn't what I truly wanted, and those aspirations became less and less, my motivation waning as I pulled myself further from the truth. Eventually I didn't even know what it was I was avoiding, only that these feelings came and went and I was at an utter loss to control them. I could deal with them, in a way, pushing them down or aside, pushing my body to its limits to shut the brain down. And on the surface this appeared alright, because I was doing things. But they were useless, disconnected. And the core of the issue remained.
Of course it's not all bad, there is some virtue to this method, and for some it's a valid option to continue on this way, but for me it wasn't enough. I couldn't keep it up and the system spun out of control, tearing itself apart, leaving me stranded in its wake with only a haze, lost.
And in a way I suppose that was a blessing because I've been forced to discover other, way better ways of dealing with these things. I think one off the reasons cultivation works so well for me is because of its gentle nature -- I'm never forced to do anything I don't want, and the realizations come softly. If I choose irresponsibility, which is only temporary anyways, I am aware of the discomforts it brings, and when I grow weary of it I know the path to discover, to realize, to transform, and to heal.

On Letting Go of Oneself

不要求別人OK、可是不要求自己我覺得很難。 I think it's a lot easier to let go of others, but letting go of myself is really hard.


早上立的時候了悟
This morning while SLP'ing, I realized
不要求自己就不用緊張、
if I cease to make demands of myself I needn't be anxious
不用怕做不好、不用抓、 I needn't fear not doing well enough, I needn't grab on
不用有壓力～多麼美好！
there's no need for pressure, isn't that wonderful! that's fucking fantastic!


只是怕沒有這樣一直要求自己、自己不會做好、可是不用怕。
It's just that I'm afraid that if I don't hold myself to such stringent standards, I won't do well, but I really don't need to worry about that.
要相信自己內歸的力量。
I just need to believe in my inner regulation, my own ability to discern, to return to center.
我有法、我會找回自己。
I have these methods, I will be able to find myself once more.
我會辨識能量、我內在會引領我。
I know how to discern these energies, my inner self will guide me.
有很多人護持我、有生命訊息提醒我。
There are many people supporting me; there are life messages to remind me.


不怕慢、不怕錯。
Be unafraid of going slowly, or making mistakes.
不用用頭腦分析、它只會讓自己越來越不放心、越來越不確定。
It's unnecessary to analyze it, that will only make me more and more anxious and uncertain.
只要跟着裏面踏實穩定繼續走、一定會找到自己要走的方向。
So long as I follow my inner self and steadfastly continue, I will definitely find the direction I'm looking for.

A Brief Sharing~

Note: This was originally written in grammatically heinous Chinese for the Taiwanese youth group. I've taken liberties with the English version 'cause otherwise nothing would make sense and/or just sound really chinky. That's right. I said chinky. 'cause that's what it sounds like.

分享:今年的跨年法流班真的太棒了! 其實我也不知道如何形容，是一種無法用語言表達或頭腦去分析的殊勝。好多之前過不去了的關一下就過了，很多卡一下就化 。
Sharing: The 2012-2013 New Year class was fucking fantastic! Actually I'm not quite sure how to describe it, it's like a sort of indescribable or un-analyzable amazingness. So many issues that had been so difficult to overcome were dissolved in an instant; so many obstacles instantly transformed.
好像只要認同，關照，願意修，就解決。流程跑的越來越快。也接了好多好好用的法。
It's as though I just needed to acknowledge, observe, and be willing to change, and it would take care of itself. And this process kept happening faster and faster. I also learned a lot of super-useful stuff! Yep. Random sentence is random. Just disregard it.
充滿光會到滾滾紅塵不像往年馬上掉回原本的樣子，可以繼續用上班會中所得到的資源，方法。人事鏡物的很多方面也變得超順! 之前完全無法想像會發生這種事!
Unlike previous years, after returning to my everyday life/the mortal world I didn't immediately fall back into my old routine and habits; instead, it was like I could continue to use all those resources and things I learned in the class. A lot of daily minutiae became very easy to manage. This sort of thing had never happened before!
好像參班的那種high一直延續到生活中。每一天都可以連接那個好開心，充滿希望，信心，感謝，喜悅，可又寧靜的感覺。作功課也變成一件很有趣，開心的事。
It's like that energy you get while attending the class continues into your everyday life. Every day I could, and still can, connect to that sort of happiness, that feeling of being filled with hope, confidence/trust, appreciation, joyousness while still being stabilized and calm. Working on my issues has also become fun and interesting instead of super-shitty like something I have to do otherwise shit's gonna just keep being shitty. Yeah, it used to really suck.
好感謝這次參班的每一位伙伴，每一位護持者，讓我們有機會參這個班會。感謝老師慈悲的帶領，老師的法真的太棒了! 鼓勵各位伙伴有機會一定要播出時間去參今年的法流班。ヽ(^o^)丿
I'm super-grateful for every person in the class and everyone who's supported me on this journey thus far. I'm also thankful for Laoshi's compassionate (read: SUPER-PATIENT. If I were him I'da flipped a shit ages ago xD) guidance, these methods are fucking fantastic. If you guys get a chance you should definitely make the time to go to the classes this year. [emoticon of happiness]

Some Old Writing

Found these on scraps of stationary paper. I think they are from around 2009. Scrap #1

I refuse to live bound by your silly rules and regulations; why should I accomodate such ludacris and mindless parameters? I live free, and although the way I live may be filled with potential disaster, I know of now other way to go. This is the path i choose. I trust the rewards will outweigh the unfortunate~ that is all I can hope for. Good night~~~~~ Love~~~~ you

Scrap #2

It must be amazing to let go of everything you know and hold dear for the sake of some direction. The need must be very great to illicit such an awesome sacrifice. I admire your courage and dedication. Although, admittedly, I wish you hadn't discovered it so soon ... perhaps it is selfish of me to wish for more time when I have already been allotted so much

I think it's nice to just write what you feel sometimes, even if it doesn't make sense and there is no context and the grammar and wording isn't quite right. At least that energy goes somewhere.

Welcome + A Surprise Artist's Statement

Reflections on cultivation and self-help.

I am Dandan (pronounced dān dān).
I was hoping to start this site out on a more energetic note, but I'm really not feeling up to it today.
I guess I coulda held off 'til I was in a better mood, but why put off 'til later what you can do today, right?

Here's what else I did today:

The rest of the series can be viewed on my derelict deviantART page, where I go by a different pseudonym.

This set is part of my mostly-annual (missed '11 on account of...forgetting...) nude shoot to document the changes in my body. I started when I was 18 with the 'origin' series, and they pretty much all come out kind of awkward and depressing every year.
I was hoping this year would be a little more less so on account of the personal growth and exercise I've been doing over the last year or so, but nope, woke up more depressed than I have been in months and super-bloated. Go figure.
I'm okay with that -- or trying to be. They didn't turn out the way I'd hoped but that's the nature of the project, to just capture the way it is, and the way it is isn't always pleasant or 'presentable'. These pictures are rough and of poor quality (if you don't believe me view the full size image -- it's pretty horrible), but I tried to make them interesting.
The journey can be unpleasant at times, and the snapshots we take along the way aren't always flattering, but at least we can look back and reflect on how far we've come.

--

I'll write a real introduction later. Promise.